I will die if light touches me.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Text me some of your sweat
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