did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
