you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Randomize
