Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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