Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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