I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
i need some magic done to my vagina
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
