I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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