So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Randomize
