Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
