fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
