Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
