i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I met the friendliest cop last night
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
