Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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