K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
