These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Randomize
