i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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