I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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