just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
