I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize