Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize