If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
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