the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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