So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
