Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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