He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
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