I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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