He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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