You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
