Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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