My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize