i think my tv is drunk
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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