If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Randomize
