just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
