My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
