I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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