i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
