I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
