I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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