I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
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