why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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