So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
