Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
