I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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