I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Randomize
