Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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