the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
i out mim tonsoeep
Randomize
