i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
why is half of my head shaved?
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
