i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
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