i'm signing you up for texting rehab
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
