Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Randomize
