I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
