I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Randomize
