Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
