i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Randomize