I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
