i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
