i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize