dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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