there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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