got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
