he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
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