Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
