If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
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