I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
