Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Randomize
