Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
